Why is your blog called "Shiftless Mommie" when you never write about your kids?
Well-played. Despite my hastily-chosen, misleading blog title, a close reading of my oeuvre reveals limited discussion of my children. It’s intentional. I don’t chronicle my minions for the blogging community. Here’s why:
1. They are boring. My kids watch about 18 hours of Shaun the Sheep a day. That doesn’t leave much time for amazing adventures to share. I’m fine with that because I didn’t wreck my bikini line so that they could risk losing an eye galavanting around town having “experiences.” They are staying in mint condition until they appreciate. That kind of long-term investment doesn’t make for compelling writing.
2. They are so egocentric. All they care about is their wants and needs. They don’t need the additional boost from written verification that they have taken over my life. People who can toot and receive applause don’t need an additional spotlight. The world is already their stage.
3. I don’t want to encourage other people to write about their children. The more people do it, the more it seems acceptable. I’m taking a stand, just like Norma Rae, except way more courageous. My kids aren’t unique. Everyone’s children are boring, self-absorbed tooters. Some writers can spin that straw into gold, but not me.
4. I’m not 100% sure they actually exist. There is a part of me that can’t quite believe these two howler monkeys will be my responsibility until one of them puts me in an early grave by marrying some degenerate who will convince her to get power of attorney and reverse-mortgage my house. His name is Jason and I see him in my nightmares. As a defense mechanism, my mind maintains a small section of my subconscious that is in complete denial. It’s the part that keeps me from waking up screaming.
5. I’m not good at wrapping up a cynical complaint session with a warm-hearted realization. If I were a true mommy blogger, I could somehow turn this whole post around in the last few sentences and realize that my kids have taught me a lot about how to love and how to live.
Nope. I got nothing.
So that’s why I stick to mocking the navel-gazing problems of my generation and leave the true mommy and daddy blogging to people who have never used the word “usurper” when talking about their offspring. Just like my love of nonfiction and my hatred of prime-time television, my refusal to write about my kids doesn’t make me the life of the party, but I intend to keep riding the horse I’m on, otherwise Jason will sell it to finance his juice company.
Assuming I get up early enough, I'm back on the challenge grid this week. I know I said all that stuff about writing for the sake of writing and that's great and all, but it's also great to jump in the ring occasionally. So head on over to yeah write and check out my friendly competition as well as the great bloggers on the hangout grid.