Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Why I don’t blog about my kids

Why is your blog called "Shiftless Mommie" when you never write about your kids?


Well-played. Despite my hastily-chosen, misleading blog title, a close reading of my oeuvre reveals limited discussion of my children. It’s intentional. I don’t chronicle my minions for the blogging community. Here’s why:

1. They are boring. My kids watch about 18 hours of Shaun the Sheep a day. That doesn’t leave much time for amazing adventures to share. I’m fine with that because I didn’t wreck my bikini line so that they could risk losing an eye galavanting around town having “experiences.” They are staying in mint condition until they appreciate. That kind of long-term investment doesn’t make for compelling writing.

2. They are so egocentric. All they care about is their wants and needs. They don’t need the additional boost from written verification that they have taken over my life. People who can toot and receive applause don’t need an additional spotlight. The world is already their stage.

3. I don’t want to encourage other people to write about their children. The more people do it, the more it seems acceptable. I’m taking a stand, just like Norma Rae, except way more courageous. My kids aren’t unique. Everyone’s children are boring, self-absorbed tooters. Some writers can spin that straw into gold, but not me.

4. I’m not 100% sure they actually exist. There is a part of me that can’t quite believe these two howler monkeys will be my responsibility until one of them puts me in an early grave by marrying some degenerate who will convince her to get power of attorney and reverse-mortgage my house. His name is Jason and I see him in my nightmares. As a defense mechanism, my mind maintains a small section of my subconscious that is in complete denial. It’s the part that keeps me from waking up screaming.

5. I’m not good at wrapping up a cynical complaint session with a warm-hearted realization. If I were a true mommy blogger, I could somehow turn this whole post around in the last few sentences and realize that my kids have taught me a lot about how to love and how to live.

Nope. I got nothing.

So that’s why I stick to mocking the navel-gazing problems of my generation and leave the true mommy and daddy blogging to people who have never used the word “usurper” when talking about their offspring. Just like my love of nonfiction and my hatred of prime-time television, my refusal to write about my kids doesn’t make me the life of the party, but I intend to keep riding the horse I’m on, otherwise Jason will sell it to finance his juice company.





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Assuming I get up early enough, I'm back on the challenge grid this week. I know I said all that stuff about writing for the sake of writing and that's great and all, but it's also great to jump in the ring occasionally.  So head on over to yeah write and check out my friendly competition as well as the great bloggers on the hangout grid.
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

63 comments:

  1. I'm NOT on the grid; I'm just a link-clicking follower. SO glad I did. Loved this.

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    1. Thanks! Always good to venture off the grid...

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  2. Hahahaha! I happen to think that you are hysterically funny no matter what you write about. And thanks, now I'm going to be seeing my own version of "Jason" in my nightmares.

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    1. In my dreams, he says things like "let me check my sched.", "It's all about synergy?" and "no son of mine will ever be in theater." Shudder.

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  3. This post made my day. Say hello to my Google Reader feed, 'cause you are *awesome*.

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    1. Aw! Thanks! I'll try to keep 'em coming.

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  4. My eldest's boyfriend's name is Jason. My middle daughter dated a Jason for two years. Fortunately no ice hockey masks.

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    1. Haha! I'm not sure why his name is Jason. I just know that is his name.

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  5. I can't relate. I talk about my kids in blog form about as often as I poop. I can't help it. I have no choice. They have me hostage...please...help...

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    1. Distract them with television while you escape!

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  6. Amen, sister, especially #5. I hate when #5 happens. If you're gonna have a bitch session, own the bitch session, be the bitch session. Don't try to mitigate the bitch session with a Deepak Chopra quote. Arghness.

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    1. Exactly! I just can't believe I'm the only person that doesn't get ANYTHING out of cleaning up messes and changing horrible diapers. I refuse to pretend those are activities I should feel warm and fuzzy about. Some things just deserve unmitigated derision.

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  7. Oh my gosh, I LOVE this!!!!! I have 2 boys, but rarely speak of them in my blog. I focus instead on my warped and wacky observations of everday life. Ya don't have to look far to find humor in this world that's fo' sho!!!

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    1. I agree. If ever I run out of fools to mock, I may consider writing about my kids, but that's not happening anytime soon.

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  8. Hahahha great post. If i were a parent, I feel like my attitude would be similar.

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    1. It would be. So little about who you are really changes when you have kids, regardless of what people say.

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  9. I love well written humor. Grid or no grid, I'll be back to read more.

    (Kellie's World)

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    1. Thanks! I plan to flip between the grids. I have no sense of loyalty.

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  10. You made me think. I talk about my kid. I talk about my husband. My parents, etc. Mostly I talk about me, though. I'm way too ego-centric to focus on everyone else.

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    1. Yeah, the not-so-hidden joke of my blog is most of the time I'm talking about myself. I just pretend it is someone else. My problems just seem more interesting to me :P

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  11. I do blog about my progeny - but I don't make it all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies because there just isn't much of that happening in real life! Or at least not in mine.

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    1. I'm always suspicious when people have nothing but good things to say about their kids.

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  12. I wish I had more to write about but my kids, you are my hero. I've found even MORE with blogging, everything in my life I can some how tie back to my kids. Those usurpers.

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    1. They take over. You never see it coming.

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  13. Love #5... it's not always love and lessons and yay I'm a Mommy! Sometimes my kids stink. End of story.

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    1. I love that. "My kids stink." Such a nice way of saying it.

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  14. I love this post. I don't blog about my kid because, well, he's 20 years old. I realized that even if blogging had existed 20 years ago, I still wouldn't do it.

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    1. We just have to stick together. "Moms who don't blog about their kids" is a lonely club sometimes.

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  15. This was hilarious. I don't have kids, but if I did I don't think I would blog about them. Mocking my generation and pop culture is way more fun.

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    1. It is, isn't it? I mean, there is just so much to mock.

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  16. I'm new to visiting you. Great post. :P

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  17. As usual, love it! You have a great way of writing what others are thinking! I do blog about my kids but it usually includes some type of sarcasm which I believe makes it ok :)

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    1. Haha! Of course it's ok. Like I said, some writers can do it. I just know I can't.

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  18. Silly, Shiftless. You don't fool me, but I do love you anyway. And your brilliance in imagining Jason, well, that's just high comedy right there.

    I appreciate all that you bring to the table with your writing and I don't want you to get off the horse you are on either.

    However, should you ever change your mind and slip a little nugget of gold about one of the usurpers into your pieces, we would still love you. So keep on, keeping on, dear Shiftless, you do what you do so well, we'll read it---whatever you write. Fondly, Erin

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    1. This is such a lovely comment. It just made me smile the whole way through. Who knows, maybe the little urchins will make an appearance once they can do something interesting like play cards or bake a souffle.

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  19. I like your style. I do blog about my kid, but a true mommy blogger?Nah, that's not me.

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    1. Thanks! I think there are a lot more "non-mommy mommy bloggers" than it appears.

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  20. I love this. I mean... I blog about my kids. I over share - but THIS? this is always in the back of my mind. Great post.

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    1. Haha, as long as it is in the back of your mind, you should be fine. Over sharing can be very entertaining.

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  21. Number 5 cracked me up. Not sure I am good either but is that what I do? I guess so. Funny.

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    1. You do it well. I hadn't seen your blog before this week, but I really like it.

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  22. Funny lady. Funny is the best kind of blog. No one really wants to hear that my baby watches Mickey Mouse Club house. See, you're bored already AND someone else is judging me!

    I can also see Jason waiting in the wings. Although, I'm more worried about the Blond Haired blue eyed skinny hot mess my son is bond to take home.

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    1. Don't even get me started on sons. I'm so glad I don't have any, but I don't want to press my luck because we aren't done having kids yet. I can just see the girlfriends scowl and long bangs, rolling her eyes at me. Arrgh!!

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  23. There are plenty of mommy bloggers. I think it's like talking about work when you're out to dinner with a coworker and your spouse. The spouse's eyes just sort of glaze over. It's never as interesting to those not directly involved. But funny? I can't get enough of funny :D

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    1. Me either. When I find a funny blog (like yours btw), I'm hooked. Especially after I've read a series of sad blogs. Humor is such a relief.

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    2. Aw thanks :D Yeah, I prefer humour. I don't want to come home and be sad.

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  24. Haha! This was great. #4 was the best!!

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    1. Thanks! It's funny because it is true.

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  25. This was great! I take your "usurper" and raise you a "parasite." ;) Ellen

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    1. Thanks!

      That's what I called them when they were in utero...

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  26. Love how you add a twist to your blog!

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    1. It's a defense mechanism. People can't really criticize me if I have my protective sarcasm shield on.

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  27. I love the irony that you actually ended up revealing more about your kids than usual in this post.

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    1. Aw, now in law school school we call that the golden egg and you found it. You may move to the head of the class...

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  28. Um... yeah. This is pure gold. Hilarious! Read it twice. Laughed even more the second time!

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  29. Have you been spending time with my soulless children? Because yes.

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I love comments. They make me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I try to reply to all of them, eventually.