Monday, June 11, 2012

Serious Relationship

Why don't guys take me seriously?
I just started a new relationship. How do I show the guy I'm a real, down-to-earth girl? I don't want him to think I'm one of those crazy, stalker chicks because I'm totally not like that.


Well, obviously nothing says, "well-adjusted and low-maintenance," like soliciting advice for a girlfriend image campaign. Let's get started.

In relationships, as in life, looks are everything. You should dress in a manner that allows some part of your undergarments to show at all times, that way your guy will be reminded that you don't always wear clothes, and, in fact, your clothes could fall off you at any moment, because you are too distracted by your lack of drama to worry about them. So that people know you are wielding your feminine wiles ironically, and not buying into traditional relationship gender roles, wear at least one article of clothing that is an unfeminine non sequitur, like a hard hat.

Next, repeatedly tell the guy how much you like sex and having sex and how he can't handle all the sex you want to have. You should preferably do this in public, like on a crowded bus, where people can't possibly avoid thinking about how lucky your guy is to have a girlfriend who is clearly so enamored with amorous encounters. Don't forget to punctuate your erotic monologue with pressured, nervous laughter, the siren song of seductive women throughout history.

Finally, to prove how interesting you are, tell several long, pointless stories involving mutual friends. Maybe recount the time you all went to Trevor's house, but then Trevor wasn't there, so then you went for pizza instead. Guys are always interested in the day-to-day activities of others, particularly when there is no perceivable conflict that would require them to join the conversation with a useful suggestion. What? Stacy didn't text you until after Brianna had already called? Definitely close with that. You have to leave him wanting more.

Whatever you do, don't be sarcastic. That is such a turn-off. Now, for the love of all that is holy, both of you get off the bus.
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Linking up with Yeah write on the challenge grid this week. If you aren't too busy talking about how completely mellow and relaxed you are, you should check out the great writing on both the challenge grid and the hangout grid.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

52 comments:

  1. I am so glad that I am married and I hopefully will never have to date again. I am the most socially awkward person you will ever meet and it doesn't help that I'm missing that filter between my mouth and my brain. It makes life interesting. Note the sarcasm.

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    1. I'm right there with you. I see classmates doing the awkward dating dance and go home and hug my husband. I'm just incapable of not ball-busting when a guy says something stupid.

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  2. My reading comprehension suffered dramatically after paragraph 4. As a guy, let me just tell you that if you focus on paragraph 4, nothing else really matters, except for food.

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    1. Sadly, that was almost a direct quote from the girl on the bus. Just so you know, the more a girl says that, the less it is true...

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  3. The only reason why I enjoyed dating is the PHENOMENAL stories I'd have to share with my girlfriends at the office. We would laugh and laugh (sometimes until we cried) at the insanity and absurdness of the quality of my dates. Until I met my husband of course.... ;0D

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    1. Yeah, there is a whole partner post I could write about things guys do on a date. Most the time I was too sympathetic/insecure to laugh at the time, but now that I'm married I can look back and chuckle. It doesn't hurt that I can laugh at dumb things I did as well.

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  4. You could just scratch the 2nd paragraph and skip the undergarments altogether. That would certainly grab his attention. As well as other prospects around you, just in case he's not the one.

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    1. You have to keep your options open. Plus, going commando cuts back on laundry and embarrassing phone calls the morning after.

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  5. Mellow, relaxed, and half-naked. Check. :-)

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  6. WOW, there is so much here, , , and it ain't pretty. Do you think it's too soon to have my daughter read this as an example of What Not to Do? Wow. And paragraph 4 is pretty funny. Erin

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    1. Paragraph 4 is not an exaggeration. The most disturbing part is that the guy seemed to be into it. I felt like shaking him. Come to your senses, man!

      Please have your daughter read this. Not that there is much chance she will share a Charm City Circuit bus with me, but if she will tell one friend and that friend tells another friend...I just might finish school without being arrested by the transit police (I assume they exist).

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  7. Hahah oh yes, the pressured, nervous laughter. So sexy.

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  8. I need to take public transport more often - who knew it can be so interesting? (note: sarcasm)

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    1. I could create an entire blog based solely on my public transportation stories, but I think I would find it depressing.

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  9. Punctuating all conversations with nervous, maniacal laughter is a great way to go. Guys love that stuff. And the less yourself you are, the better.
    So, so glad I don't have to do this. But, oh man, do I love hearing crazy date stories.

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    1. Me too. My dating experience is pretty limited to friends who already knew me, so pretending to be someone else woudn't have worked. I have to give people that date strangers credit, but that credit only extends as far their voice carries.

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  10. Omg, this is so true nowadays. Ladies you don't have to dress like you're looking for a John to get a guy. Just act normal for christsakes.

    Lol. im sorry you had to endure that public transportation spectacle.

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    1. She was rocking the "shabby sh-lut." It has to be exhausting.

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  11. Ha! These are great techniques! I bet you chould snare any man with these tactics!

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    1. They are foolproof...which is appropriate based on who is employing them.

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  12. BAHAHA! This is really funny! I cannot relate. Dating would freak me out!

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    1. Yeah, I don't miss being out of the game. Now I can mock people from the cheap seats.

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  13. Awesome! This is just awesome! Was she really wearing a hard hat? :)

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    1. Ugh. No, she was wearing a pair of men's work boots. I have my share of kick-butt boots, but 1.) I don't wear them with booty shorts. 2.) They are women's boots.

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  14. So awesome.
    Definitely makes me happy that we own a car or two. Besides, if I want to watch that sort of uncomfortable shenanigans, I can watch some Maury or Springer reruns. Haha.

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    1. Had some chick got on the bus and started pulling this girl's hair out, Springer style, I would have used the video record function on my iPhone.

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  15. I'm so glad I'm not the only bitch that wears a hard hat.

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  16. "So that people know you are wielding your feminine wiles ironically, and not buying into traditional relationship gender roles, wear at least one article of clothing that is an unfeminine non sequitur, like a hard hat" Too awesome. Love. this. post!

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    1. Thanks! I don't normally rant, but this was too much.

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  17. This is so funny - and sad at the same time. Required reading for all scantily clad young women everywhere. In your capable hands it become sarcastically amusing. I love it!

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    1. Thanks so much! I wish I could condense it to a business card I could hand out.

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  18. I remember some dates I went on and just cringe. This made me laugh, which I desperately needed, so thank you for that. I think it'd be hilarious to have the sex conversation on the bus, by the way. FABULOUS idea!
    ;-)

    thanks for the giggle!

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    1. That was actually not an exaggeration. Those words came out of her mouth. I almost feel like it was cheating to write them down, but she deserves it.

      Glad I got you to laugh.

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  19. This is awesome! And I love your blog! Thanks for the tip - because I'm always trying to think of good bus conversation. ;)

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    1. Other possible topics include: ingrown toenails, your girlfriend's bathing habits, fungus of any kind, a story about a man who was cursed by a witch so all his daughter had to have c-sections (true story), or anything at all that you talk about at a decible usually reserved for announcing NASCAR races.

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  20. Seriously funny stuff. The only time my underwear is hanging out anymore is when it loses the elastic. I don't think that's what guys like.

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    1. Same here. I will also occasionally wear maternity underwear which I could fold over my belt. Sexy.

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  21. I am going to pass this along to all my single friends! Thanks!

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  22. It's the pressured, nervous laughter that makes public dissertations on sexual preferences art. Well played.

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    1. It was really a Baroque composition of disaster.

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  23. Wow. It's like you're describing Madonna. That makes me laugh. And then cry a little bit b/c the only time my undies show is in the laundry - the tummy, she doth tumble over the undies. And I save my erotic talk for murmuring about all the kinds of sleep I don't have. Haven't had in decades. woo woo cue the dancing bears

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    1. That's your donelap because it done laps over your belt. I have one, too. : )

      I consider it erotic talk to speak out loud about all the sex one could be having, but is too tired to have.

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I love comments. They make me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I try to reply to all of them, eventually.