Monday, June 18, 2012

It's all about the Benjamins.

That is an eerie resemblance.  
Tell me a story. Make it about Father's Day because no one will be talking about that this week.


On Father's Day, I imagine my father woke up and, after the universal morning amnesia wore off, silently mourned the fact that he can no longer have a fried ham steak for breakfast because he hasn't eaten meat since some careless person told him about "Pink Slime." 


After declaring that the local paper continues to be a "rag" and decrying the existence of whatever Parade magazine is called now, he probably resigned himself to an afternoon of watching television at a volume so loud that God himself would know which episode of "NCIS" is on, if he didn't already know everything. 


But it wasn't to be. 


Because this Father's Day, instead of floating his Lazy-boy through a dream-like limbo, sandwiched between consciousness and dad-ness, my father took my mother to the Victorian house where he runs his business and the two of them shoveled sewage, mud and water out of the basement. Then they taped over the vents so that the remaining fumes wouldn't travel throughout the house. I assume the fumes will stay in the basement, pressurize, and eventually form beautiful, stinky gemstones that mole-people use for currency.  


Later in the day he worried about money for a while, probably not unrelated to the poop garden growing in his basement. His ruminations were interrupted briefly by a call from his sardonic eldest daughter, who, despite her many redeeming qualities, still believes people will feel better if the shortcomings of their decisions are explained in trite, metaphoric terms that all revolve around personal responsibility, much like Benjamin Franklin with a dye-job. 


Filial lecture concluded, he spent the rest of the evening watching a movie that put my mother to sleep within 15 minutes and then went to bed hoping that the tape on the vents will hold. 


The tape has to hold.
__________

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

30 comments:

  1. Ick. Let's hope the tape holds.

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    1. I'll probably smell it from here if it doesn't.

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  2. I'm gonna guess that's not the perfect vision of Father's Day. Eek!

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    1. No, probably not what he had in mind. I didn't even know what to say when he told me.

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  3. Well that sounds like a craptastic father's day. Hope things start looking up and that the tape does indeed hold!

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  4. Oh wow. I hope the day after Father's Daw was better for him!

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  5. If he reads this surely he'll smile at that sardonic wit and be charmed, as I was. I know, who is charmed at a basement full of raw sewage? I'm quirky that way...

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    1. You know, if you can't laugh at raw sewage, what can you laugh at?

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  6. Father's Day is not necessarily a day of relaxation. I had to spend mine away from my home and my children, traveling to Oregon to deal with the crackpot who installed a ray gun next to our vacation rental.

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    1. A ray gun? They really appreciate their right to bear arms in Oregon, don't they?

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  7. I hope the tape holds. Your poor dad. :(

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    1. Fingers crossed. The joys of historic housing.

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  8. Ironic activity for the day, as Fatherhood/parenting is often about dealing with the unexpected. I hope that tape holds.

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    1. Yeah, that was the underlying theme of the story. How much poo dads have to shovel...

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  9. duct tape solves all things. i think probably duct tape could solve the whole greenhouse gasses thing if someone would only think outside the box on that one.

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    1. I agree. Duct tape rolls are also apparently the most fun toys on the planet, according to my kids.

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  10. Definitely a different way to spend Father's Day. I hope you all did something special for him on Monday. :)

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    1. We aren't a particularly emotive or demonstrative people. Usually, when we ask him what he wants, he says, "Peace and quiet."

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  11. This is good stuff. I love the way you write.

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  12. we had a back up this spring. bleh. love the way you painted the picture of your dad.

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  13. You're really brilliant, you know? Your words fit together tightly and I actually read this like three times because the rhythm of it was so pleasing.

    Your poor dad though. Sticky tape. Sticky tape.

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  14. Not the best way to spend Father's Day, huh?

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  15. Oh no! What a way to spend Father's Day--yet your sense of humor has my sides aching! And imagining the tape--oh my! So what's the latest on this? hopefully some new developments?

    p.s. thanks for the laugh--I totally needed it.
    ;-)

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  16. I fix everything in sight with duct tape, and I carry my money in a duct tape wallet. If my tape didn't hold it would seriously burst my little DIY bubble!

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  17. Next year - your dad should only celebrate Mother's Day, or they should go out of town so they won't know if crap happens. Craptastic it definitely is.

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  18. The tape must hold. Must. Poop garden. Blagh!

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  19. That was great. My father sounds further down the aging path than yours. He's given in to putting the words on the TV and keeping it on mute rather than blasting. He is difficult to be around because he is so negative. He's negative because he's old, has lost his power physically and with the outside world. Who can blame him? I love him dearly and need to be better about tolerating his grumpy mood. So enjoy your father even with his eccentricities. It only gets harder. It did give me a laugh. You expressed with humor, the sadness that comes with aging.

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I love comments. They make me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I try to reply to all of them, eventually.