|Lionesses are hard to draw.|
My guy of two years just got offered a great opportunity in a different state. Like, a real different state. Not like how Maryland and Delaware pretend to be different states. He wants me to move with him, but I don't know.
Never move for a man. Move for you. If he happens to be there, all the better. Committed relationships are about two people looking in the same direction. The individual goals don't have to be identical, in fact, they probably shouldn't be, but they should be going in the same general direction.
You are following him. Visualize that for a second. If you are following him, how can you see the goal? You are trusting that he is moving towards a goal that benefits both of you, but you can't tell because his big head is in the way. (That's not specific to your man. All men have big heads...It's ok to giggle at that double entendre because I did.)
Healthy relationships aren't about following. They are about chasing. There is a world of difference between following and chasing; it's the difference between becoming a strong, independent lioness and a lazy, domesticated house cat. Sure, you can love your cat, but Mr. Piddles doesn't excite you (I presume). You don't think about Mr. Piddles during that boring budget meeting. You aren't filled with anticipation about whether Mr. Piddles will like your new shirt, because, of course Mr. Piddles will like your new shirt. He likes everything you do. Mr. Piddles will always be there to sit on the couch with you and watch 14 straight hours of Arrested Development (assuming there are 14 hours of Arrested Development to watch) and eat cheese curls until you pass out. Yawn.
A lioness acts for herself. You feel honored that a lioness chooses to spend even an hour with you. It's exciting, because at any moment she could disappear into tall grass...and then pounce on you, mauling you terribly. (Don't take the metaphor that far.) The point is that the lioness is wild; she owns her actions and she owes no one. That uncertainty makes her attention valuable and desirable.
And since I know someone is going to say it, don't tell me the chase not for everyone. Everyone deserves to be desired and no one should be sentenced to a life of following--of subserving someone else's goals at the expense of her own. People that claim to be happy without excitement and independence have just forgotten what it feels like. It is easy to slip into a comfortable rut. We drift along. We become complacent. We eat at Applebee's. We forget the passions and dreams that used to motivate us. We forget what we wanted and so, when someone asks us to do something, we can't think of a reason not to do it.
Assuming you haven't robbed a bank recently, there is always a reason not to uproot your entire life. The fact that you are so vague about the impact on you makes me suspicious that you haven't thought about this decision from your own perspective. He's thinking about the move from his perspective and you are thinking about the move from his perspective. Someone is getting inadequate representation. (That's a cheesy law school joke.) You need to evaluate the move from your perspective and decided whether it is the right choice for you, assuming worst (and most likely) case scenario: you move and immediately break up with him because it turns out he clips his toenails into his empty cereal bowl in the morning. Even if you have been living with him and think you know all his habits (you don't, by the way), you need to factor in your likely feelings of resentment for uprooting your life. Resentment makes cutesy habits unbearably annoying, which then leads to contempt, which makes cutesy habits seem like intolerable cruelty.
|If the world were fair...|
But I'm not saying you should just immediately refuse. This is a great opportunity to learn about yourself and what you want. Then, you take ownership. If what you want is to follow your guy and be with him, great. Own it and stop asking people if it is a good idea. If what you want is someone to tell you it is a horrible idea that has a long and florid history of epic failure, you've got it. Neither of those two extremes may be appropriate in your case. You need to decide where you fall along the spectrum, and you can't do it unless you look at it from the perspective of an independent you. If you let his wants and needs creep in, you are buying a ticket for the Resentment-Contempt train.
|You know it's true.|
Since you asked, this is the conclusion that I came to when I tried to place myself on the spectrum: The only person you should ever move for is the one that would never ask you to do it. That's the person that values you as a lioness and wants you to follow your passions. If your passions align, great. If they don't, respect each other enough to realize it won't work. But don't align your goals with someone else because it's easier and safer than forging on your own. Be a lioness, not Mr. Piddles.
I'm hanging out over at yeah write again. You might wonder why a naturally competitive person such as myself has decided to link up with the non-contest part of the site. The reason is that I have a new thing where I try to enjoy the actual act of doing something, like writing, and not the prospect of winning at all costs. So let's see how that goes. In the meantime, head over to yeah write and check out some of the great blogs!