Written Apology

Against my better judgment, I would like to become a writer. I have an interesting life and I would like to document my escapades for the amusement of my future readers. I'm a little concerned that my friends and family may be upset to see themselves featured. Is there any way I can avoid awkwardness?


Nope. They are going to hate you and probably sue you. Sue you hard. You will be lucky if they don't sue you for the roller skate theme you wrote in the 5th grade. Your first skill as a writer should be learning to apologize, because writing is just a endless cycle of making people upset and then apologizing until you either give up or become too famous to care.

I tend not to share too many personal details about my life because it jeopardizes my natural desire to judge people without fear of reprisal. However, this is a topic that cries out for self-indulgent nostalgia, so sit tight; I don't like to be interrupted once I get going.

The first time my work was published, I was in middle school. I had written a poem about the death of my grandfather that the teacher had selected for the county literary booklet, aptly named Pencilworks, because we still wrote with pencils. As a poet, I was, and continue to be, sentimental and cloying, but, in middle school, editorial staff is just happy to find someone willing to do something as socially destructive as exert effort. My poem was adequate and its publication earned me a first-class ticket to the guidance office to explain why I was so obviously depressed. Lesson learned: Sharing emotional personal stories leads to uncomfortable conversations with strangers and parents.

The next time I was published, I was ostensibly an adult. I wrote a series (2? It seemed like a lot of work at the time) of articles for a professional newsletter that highlighted the foibles of various characters at my workplace, including my boss...who was also my dad. Unlike my little poem, the  articles were light-hearted, humorous and well-received. At first. Eventually what had been gentle humor was interpreted as disrespect. Called to the carpet, I responded with the typical righteous indignation of a tortured artist. Lesson learned: Sharing funny personal stories leads to angry conversations with co-workers and parents. Also, total writer's block and an irrational urge to become a dance therapist. It took years of silence and therapeutic sarcasm to recover.

Based on my prior experiences, you can understand both my dire warnings and my reticence to share. My kids have permanently destroyed my abdominal wall, so becoming a dance therapist is no longer an option for me (not that it ever was). Once I graduate from law school, I'll be less afraid of being sued and practically judgment-proof due to my crippling debt. At that point, I plan to publish a complete tell-all. Until then, I'm going to keep masking my true feelings with snark and hokey literary devices like fake advice solicitations.

If you really want to write your personal story, you are going to have uncomfortable conversations as some point, assuming you are writing a story that is remotely compelling. Alternatively, you can write something banal and hope the Hallmark channel options your book into a movie. If I were you, I would scrap the whole thing and write about werewolves with substance abuse problems.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to go apologize to the people I've mentioned in this post.

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