Saturday, April 14, 2012

Knee-Jerk Reaction

My boyfriend of several years has started going almost every night with a group of guys from work. He says they are going out to a gay bar so they can relax. He thinks I shouldn't be worried because there aren't any women there, but I still think it is weird. We haven't really been having a lot of sex recently. Do you think he's gay?


Do you? Only he can tell you, if anyone can. He may not know. You don't mention actually talking to him about this issue, so I'm going to assume you didn't, because then I can create a post filled with elaborate conjecture, which is more fun than healthy communication.

I don't know much about your boyfriend or your relationship up to this point, but I do know this: his story makes no sense. If he is gay and not ready to tell you, he wouldn't say he's going to gay bars, because you would have to be either extraordinarily naive or willfully stupid to not immediately assume he was gay. Now you are thinking, "Maybe this is his subtle way of trying to tell me he's gay without really telling me?" This could be true, if men were subtle and/or this was a deleted scene from Cruel Intentions, which we all know doesn't exist, because that movie was so long they couldn't possibly have deleted anything.

Alternatively, if he isn't gay, he also isn't going to gay bars to "relax" because I'm sure such a fine catch spends the entirety of the evening declining well-meaning advances from confused bar patrons. If he and his friends wish to relax away from the nagging, cackling of shrill women, they need only go to just about any bar in town. The delicate gender is seldom well-represented at watering holes, hence the need to lure us there with attractive specials like $2 rails. This is particularly true on work nights (for reasons that Women's Studies majors develop into senior papers and open-mic night poetry slams).

Chances are, he's not going to gay bars with his friends. He's doing something else that he doesn't want you to know about. The list is endless: Cheating, ballroom dancing lessons, fantasy hockey league, cheating, cooking class, tutoring at-risk youth, cheating...

Why do I mention cheating? Because all women think all men are cheating scum, obviously. Or...it's because you aren't getting any lovin'. Also you didn't mention an increase in grace, perspicacity, or French cooking. You mentioned a decrease in intimacy. That's a bad sign. Whether he is actually stepping out or not, he is withdrawing from you and the relationship. He may not be physically involved with anyone else, but my guess is that he has a new "friend" that "he can really talk to and really gets him. She doesn't put any pressure on him to act a certain way. She's just chill. A good girl." This horrible succubus has her talons in your man.

This is why I would fail as a Women's Studies major. I should talk about how women should support other women, rather than view them as competition, but that's loser talk. I should also talk about how you should love yourself the way you are, but that's even more loser talk. You've been dating for a few years; you've both gotten comfortable, I'm sure. Time to bring back your A-game. He goes to the "bar" (or whatever, odds are it is a place with alcohol and food)? You go to the gym. Let him get a beer gut and pasty, bloodless skin, while you get back to your single self. Either he will notice the new, healthier, you, and stop wandering, or you will find someone better. Don't waste your time running after a man that isn't man enough to be honest.

My knee has been hurting. It is like a tightness in the joint. Sometimes when I kneel, I can't get back up. What do you think is wrong?


You probably have a gremlin living in your knee. Best to apply some leeches and drain his food source before he angers up your blood and sours your black bilious humor.

Or...you could go to a doctor. What is with people not wanting to talk to the person most likely to answer their questions?

2 comments:

  1. Why are you so much better at shitty blog cartoons than me? Do you use something that's not Paint? Also, Women's Studies major - really? You know what's the first thing that popped into my head when I read that: Samantha Brick. That's not right...

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    Replies
    1. I use Illustrator and the Wacom tablet my husband bought me for our first Christmas together (I am a nerd). I also wasted a lot of money on Visual Communication classes.

      I have yet to read the Samantha Brick article, and yet I know exactly what you are talking about, which is also not right...

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