Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I'll have the garlic trout.

My co-worker has awful breath. Really. Really. Awful. I don't think I can stand it much longer.

Oh my god, is it me? I swear, I'm switching to tea.

Assuming it isn't me, you have limited options. If you are a guy talking to another guy, my understanding from observational studies is that you can say, "Dude. Your breath smells like you've been brushing your teeth with camel intestines. Get a mint before I punch you." Then you both punch each other for a while before finding some mints.

If this is a mixed company affair, at some point in the middle of small talk, say: "Ever since the seasons have changed/I started drinking coffee/My back tooth started rotting, I have been getting horrible breath. I'm hoping these extra strong, dry-ice intensity mints I've been using are doing the trick. They are really good. Do you want one?" Make sure you already have the wonder-mints out by the time you are done the sentence. Then raise your eyebrow slightly and pause. He will know what is going on and you will know that he knows and hopefully he will respect you for the elaborate social construct you employed to spare his feelings. Or, he will be clueless and you will have to keep trying.

In the meantime, consider dabbing a bit of diluted perfume under your nose.

There are days I have no idea what to feed my kids. They seem to want everything and nothing and I hate when I make something and they don't eat it.

Try "Toddler Tapas." Cut up all the leftovers you have in the fridge and let them graze. Whatever they don't eat can be thrown away because it was already leftover. I'm not spending a lot of time on food that is inevitably going to end up mashed into the rug.

Toddler Tapas
(not pictured: Fruits and Vegetables)

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