Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I don't want to be friends.

I'm a single guy. I don't have any problem getting a first date, and the women seem to have a good time, but after a few dates I inevitably slip into the "friend zone." I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. 


Are you boring? See here. Are you a slacker? See here. However, you probably aren't either, because the ladies keep you around as a friend. It's more likely they have forgotten you have a penis, Duckie. Don't be offended; We women have a lot on our minds. We can't keep track of who has a penis and who doesn't. You have to remind us occasionally.


Before you break out your loin cloth and wench-ing club, let me explain. Most reasonably well-adjusted women want a partner, not a boss, not a social worker, not a child. Just someone who makes life a little more exciting, a little less hard and a little more loving.  You don't want to be an arrogant psychopath (ahem, Peter Campbell), but you don't want to do what you've been doing. Try being yourself, but, you know, more interesting and more useful.


Getting past the first date requires more than being nice and mildly entertaining. You aren't writing a Saved by the Bell reunion special. Instinctively, women know that eventually we are going to slip into a relationship rut, complete with ratty sweatpants and unrepentant farting. If we start at that level, who knows what fresh hell we'll find when we relax? I don't want to date someone who makes me feel comfortable. I want to date someone who makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Challenge me. We don't have to arm wrestle, but it is impossible to believe that you agree with everything I say. I'm wrong. A lot. Pick one of my more egregious statements and call me on it, intelligently.


Once you've established that you aren't a Justin Bieber body pillow who wants to become a real boy, prove that you're useful to me. I freely admit that I would make a poor Women's Studies major. Here's more proof. I don't want to ever do anything with my car besides drive it and fill it with gas. Learn how to change a tire. Additionally, as long as women continue to make 77 cents to a male dollar, I'm not chasing away any possums that set up camp under my deck. Here's a broom. You better believe that I know how to use a band saw...but I'd rather you did it for me. Sure it's sexist and not every woman is going to agree, but at the very least, you should be able to do what your girl can do. That way you can deflect the possum frontal attacks with a trash can lid, while she goes around to hit the right flank. It's about teamwork.


And don't rant about the downfall of the American male, because I don't buy any of that misogynistic men's rights nonsense, with its Rage cartoons and tired quips about "manginas." It's not all or nothing.  


Boyfriend Fail.


The first has me googling "Protective Order" and the second has caused my retinas to detach from severe eye rolling. You want something in the middle.


I suppose it is difficult for a man to find the right balance. If it feels unfair that you have to do all this extra stuff to be attractive to potential partners, well, then now you actually do know a little about what it's like to be a woman. So I'll tell you what I tell my girlfriends: We are all horribly flawed, selfish people. You just need to find someone whose character deficiencies compliment your own, so keep trying. Everybody forgets that Duckie found somebody, too. Remember that girl with the feathered hair in the awful dress? Yeah, I know, it doesn't narrow it down...


This post is dedicated to Shiftless Husband, who suggested the topic. Happy Anniversary. I'm sorry about that time I sent you up on the roof in a thunderstorm and then you were yelling for help and I couldn't hear you because my sister and I were watching Keeping up with the Kardashians really loudly. Because of you and your humongous babies, I will never wear a bikini again, so I think we are even. I love you, but don't let it go to your head.


Linking up with Yeah Write this week. Go check out the awesome writers and vote for your favorites on Friday. Seriously, it's worth it. 




35 comments:

  1. Hah! This is awesome, I need to send this to my single male friends!

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  2. Love it. I'll never touch a tire as long as my awesome husband is alive! And I'd never date someone who couldn't handle some of that manly stuff for me. Yes, I could do it. But I don't wanna! I wanna admire my hot tire-changing guy. Works for us.

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    1. Exactly! Guys underestimate how hot they can be doing boring stuff like that. It's a wasted opportunity.

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  3. Ha I agree -something in the middle.

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    1. The best place to be is always in the middle, including if you ever find yourself faced with a giant Oreo.

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  4. I loved all of it, but I love that you worked Women's Studies and Saved by the Bell into the same piece---that's some serious crafty. But the part I loved was the caveat at the end where you apologize to your husband. Kudos!! Erin

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    1. Thanks! I had been holding that guilt for a while, if you couldn't tell. ; )

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  5. Replies
    1. My hair isn't actually that purple or feathery, but I wish it was.

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  6. Very informative. I think every single man should read this ;)

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  7. As a dude who is in a similar friendship-over-relationship rut, I must say that this is solid advice.

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    1. You aren't alone. It is very easy to slip into it. Hope this helps!

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  8. "Most reasonably well-adjusted women want a partner, not a boss, not a social worker, not a child. Just someone who makes life a little more exciting, a little less hard and a little more loving." Couldn't be more spot on!! Best boyfriend advice I've ever read. And I think women kind of age into wanting a Duckie after the seemingly more exciting choices turn into douchebags.

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    1. I agree. Duckie looks better the older I get.

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  9. "It's more likely they have forgotten you have a penis, Duckie." SO funny. And I love the use of the boyfriend fail picture....definitely need to find one in the middle. Great post!

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    1. Thanks! I'm normally too lazy to do a second picture, but I felt that text needed illustration.

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  10. Best part was the message to him at the end....lolol

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  11. Haha! I love it! I'm sending this to every single male I know. Lord knows they can use the help.

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    1. Thanks! I should probably write a companion piece for women.

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  12. A little more exciting and a little less hard - that wraps it up! Funny post!!

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    1. That's really all I was looking for as a threshold issue. Thanks!

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  13. So funny! Love this line: "We are all horribly flawed, selfish people. You just need to find someone whose character deficiencies compliment your own, so keep trying." So true!

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    1. My dad used to always say, "Your mom and I can be crazy, as long as we aren't crazy at the same time."

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  14. this is hilarious; i'm pretty sure there are very few people in the world whose deficiencies match up with my own as well as my husband's. well said.

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    1. Thanks! We have to celebrate what makes us unique, otherwise it is insufferable.

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  15. My philosophy is this: I don't need a man to take care of me because I can take care of myself. I want a man around because I want to *be* with him. We take care of each other. :)

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    1. That sounds like a plan that will work. When we start "needing" each other, we can easily slip into co-dependence.

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  16. Great post! I've been in the friend-zone. I've been too confident and too meepy.

    Riding the line is as easy as you women make it, which seems pretty easy by your post here.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

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    1. Honestly, I was always pretty upfront about "friending" someone (this was before "friending" was an actual thing, stupid FB). I told my husband flat out I didn't want to be his friend...seemed to work out. I think as women we need to be fair and honest with the men we care about.

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  17. I am sending this blog to every single guy I know. Your wisdom is infinite. Thank you for sharing!!

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    1. Thanks! I love the artwork on your blog! It is so funny!

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  18. Thanks very nice blog!

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