Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ain't life a chore...

My guy has all these annoying little habits that have started getting on my nerves. Like, he leaves clothes in the dryer...forever. He just takes them out "as needed." Also, he leaves peelings in the sink even though the DISPOSAL IS RIGHT THERE. All these little things just keep piling up and I know I'm going to lose it and go all Towanda! on him. What should I do?

Well, for starters, BITCH, YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN OR I WILL CUT THAT PRETTY FACE! I knew he was stepping out on me...

On second thought, it seems more likely that many men share your man's affliction, and correspondingly unlikely that my man has the time to maintain two women who don't think it's asking too much that he move the shower liner out of the tub so it doesn't get mildew-y.

Yes, I'm pretty sure that all men--nay, all people-- have a professional repertoire of disgusting, annoying habits that have been specifically designed to whittle away at their partner's sanity until the sound of them eating cereal in the morning sounds like the jackhammering of a million hairy ape-men. Shave the back of your neck before you sit at my table, dammit!

The answer to your dilemma is to stop trying to convince him of your moral and hygienic superiority, because the proper term for such educational suggestion is actually "nagging." Instead, if you want the laundry folded and the potato peels pulverized into Kohler-oblivion within your timeframe (otherwise known as your lifetime), you will need to do it yourself. 

Before you start quoting hyphenated names bemoaning a woman's double-burden, rest assured I agree that it is completely unfair for you to do these chores. You don't have to do them. You, too, could live out of the dryer and watch the table scraps ferment into prison wine. Your life would be much more relaxing and you would have time to play 12 straight hours of PS3 on the weekends. Feminism is about choice, and that choice is yours.

I have a pretty good life. I've lived in N-- Y--- for about 7 years now and I decided on a whim that I needed a change. So I decided to move to L-- A------! Just like that time I decided to move to L-----. The best part is, I'm subletting my awesome apartment in the coolest neighborhood in N-- Y----, so if I decide to come back - ugh, of course I'm coming back - I'll be able to come back to a beautiful apartment in the greatest city in the world. I don't worry too much about money. If I need some cash, there's usually some guy on G----- offering me money to just sit there while he takes pictures of me! At the very least there's always a barista opening right down the street. I don't actually have a question, I just wanted to tell someone. Isn't life amazing??

Yes, my love, yes it is. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love comments. They make me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I try to reply to all of them, eventually.